I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Holy sore nipples Batman
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
