the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
