In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
