remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
