I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
