It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
