your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Such a big mess for such a small penis
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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