Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
