There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
