Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
