I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
