He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
