I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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