if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
