cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
