Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
