Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
