So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
