i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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