I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did you pee in the oven last night??
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
