so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
