I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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