You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
