Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
