I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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