So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
