Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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