I need to stop coming to work sober
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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