you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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