Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
