Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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