eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
