We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
