Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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