never play flip cup with pint glasses
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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