Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
