I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I cannot find my penis.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
