While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
