I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
