I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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