You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
