Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
