Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
