I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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