you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
