She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
