rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
