Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
