Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
