Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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